It’s hard enough to figure out what to wear when you are the mother of the bride or groom, so what the heck are you supposed to wear when you are the stepmother of the bride or groom? Here are some dressing guidelines for getting it right.
Find out if the Bride and Groom are treating you as a Mom or a Guest
To know what to wear you have to be clear on whether you are being treated as a mom or a guest. This is determined by seating.
It’s totally up to the bride and groom to choose where they want their parents to sit on this very special day. Etiquette dictates that the biological parents sit together in the first row of the church, and any stepparents sit 2 or three rows behind. This may not seem fair and can really hurt, but remember this is your stepchild’s day.
Dressing if You are a “Guest.”
If you are going to be sitting a few rows behind, then the bride and groom have decided to treat you as a guest, not a mom, and you need to dress like a guest.
Often there is the temptation to try to upstage your spouse’s ex-wife, but don’t! If you try to stand out by wearing a very dressy or revealing style or a bright color, you will only look jealous and petty. You should not outdress the mother of the bride or groom.
Dressing if You are a “Mom.”
In some cases, when parents have remarried, and there’s no fighting going on, then the bride and groom may want their parents to sit with their current spouses in the front row. In this case, you are being treated like a parent, so you may wear something similar to what the mother of the bride and mother of the groom are wearing. Still, be careful not to outdo them.
The etiquette around selecting either a stepmother of the bride dress or a stepmother of the groom dress is as follows:
- the mother of the bride chooses her dress first, then
- the mother of the groom, then
- the stepmother of the bride or stepmother of the groom can choose.
A bride may have suggestions for what style and color might be appropriate, but she can’t dictate.
What Color to Wear?
The key to selecting the right color is: don’t wear the same color as the mother of the bride, mother of the groom or the bridesmaids. So if the bridesmaids are wearing blue, the mother of the bride is wearing pink, and the mother of the groom is wearing lavender, don’t wear any of these colors. Instead, you could wear a pale mint green, pale yellow, light gray or peach, even taupe would work. Err on the side of a more subdued color .
A few colors to always avoid would be white, red, and in some cases black. Royal blue or Navy is a popular choice because it is conseravtive, but a little livelier than black.
Can You Ever Wear Black?
Black is a tricky one. Sometimes brides don’t want it at all. Other times brides opt for black and white theme wedding and may request all parents or step parents wear black. You really need to consult with the bride before you go out looking at dresses.
In the end, go for a dress in a style and color that won’t steal attention away from the mother of the bride or groom. It’s also always good to choose a dress that will look timeless in family wedding photos for years to come.
Real Life Example: Stepmother of the Bride Dilemma
When Wanda’s stepdaughter was married, Wanda’s primary goal was not to upstage the mother of the bride. However, she still wanted to look nice and make a great impression.
Wanda, 61, did just that when she wore this stunning deep purple dress with wrap detail. She accented the dress with a beautiful necklace, earrings and vintage Gucci watch with an elegant band. It’s a chic, figure flattering look.
Wanda, you were a very beautiful stepmother of the bride.
NEED MORE IDEAS?
Do you have a wedding coming up? What are you planning to wear? If you need a little help deciding on which mother of the bride dresses (or mother of the groom dresses) might be best for you, be sure to check out my bestselling book Tweak Your Chic – Mother of the Bride. It will tell you everything you need to know on one of the most important and cherished days of your life.
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I love your advice.
I have a dilemma of my own.
I am the MOB, there is a SMOB involved and I have no issues w/her sitting w/the FOB during the ceremony or at the reception. My issue is she purchased the same color and style I chose to wear. She even brought up the idea of us discussing color and style choices so we wouldn’t be in the same ones. Then she goes and buys a dress the color of mine. How should I handle this situation without seeming jealous or petty?
Hi Teri,
So sorry to hear this. I don’t think you are being petty at all! The etiquette for wedding dresses says that mother of the bride picks her dress first and all the other women in the wedding party follow the suit. I can understand you not wanting her to be in the same color and style. Can the bride step in? Here is an article to help prove my point or you can google wedding etiquette and find the same:https://www.fabulousafter40.com/stepmother-of-the-bride-heres-what-to-wear/ On your end, since you are supposed to be choosing first, you must be curteous and do so in a timely matter, at least 3 months ahead, so as to give others the time to order, fit their dresses. Best of Luck. Deborah
I am in a tough situation. I am not married to the Father of the Bride, but we have been together for many years. The bride has been less than forthcoming with any information about my role in wedding (i.e where I will be seated, photos, etc.). The MOB has remarried and her new husband has a significant role in the reception (he will be sharing a father/daughter dance) but he will not be included in walking her down the aisle). Given that, I may be seated with FOB but that may be the only ‘non-guest’ gesture extended (there are no hard feelings, just not a close relationship). I have inquired about the MOB/MOG dresses and the reply was that “…they are wearing navy. And that it doesn’t really matter what you wear.” said in a causal tone implying that I shouldn’t really be stressed about something like that. I thought it odd that they would both be wearing the same color, but I was more thinking that the response indicated that I should consider myself a guest and that I should have no expectation to be in any role of step-MOB whatsoever. It does however concern me that I will be with the FOB throughout the evening and may be in photos, possibly more than the average ‘guest’, and do not want to be under dressed, and while I would never try to outdo the Mothers, I do want to be appropriately attired. Would you suggest I avoid the colors of the mothers and bridesmaids, even as a regular guest?
Hi Kari,
Weddings are always so complicated. Yes, I do get the sense they are implying you are a guest, so I would avoid navy or the color that the bridesmaids are wearing. There are many other lovely sades out there for fall. I would go for a pretty cocktail dress in a plum, burgundy or some rich shade that photographs well and is classic. A print would even be fine. What about all the dark florals we are seeing? You could perhaps wear a dark navy dress, but only it was covered in bright florals so it read floral, and not really navy. That, or a floral dress with a black background. Whatever the case, the message is clear. Don’t try to look like you are wearing something similar to the MOB or MOG. That doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful in whatever you choose. Hold your head high and find yourself a lovely dress. All the best, Deborah
This was very helpful. I certainly did not want to appear petty or rude or by attempting to upstage the mother of the bride..
Hi, I need help. My significant other’s son is getting married. We are not married but have been together for 15 years. The MOB is wearing navy, the MOG is wearing Plum and the Bridesmaids are wearing Sangria .. I am also doing the flowers for the wedding party and when the mother corsages I was told by the bride that I should have one as well. What should I wear?
Hi Rena, What about gray or silver? That goes well with plum, Sangria and Navy. You could also wear champagne which is a neutral that also works. Just don’t wear the same color as the bridesmaids. Have fun doing the flowers.
Cheers, Deborah
I am step-mom of the groom. I have been married to his father for 22 years. My hubby and his ex do not speak to one another but will be fine doing what is asked of them. The bride is very nonchalant about what we all should wear. She says wear whatever you want. The wedding colors are blush and gold. Bridesmaids are in rose gold. MOB in light pink, MOG in lilac. Should I be in long or short? The dress I have is a column dress in creamy beige color with pink and gold embroidered flowers. I have a pink shrug for church and either gold or pink shoes. Is this dress appropriate
Hi Sandy, It sounds like you have made a lovely choice!
I am the stepmother of the groom. My husband and his ex-wife have been divorced for twenty years, and he and I have been together for four years. We all have a friendly relationship. The bridesmaids’ dresses are wisteria and both the MOB and MOG are wearing gray/silver. I asked the bride whether I should wear a long or short dress and she responded that I can wear whichever I prefer. Any suggestions?
Hi Jolie,
A navy dress would look nice with silver, and as for long or short, I would say short. If it has only been four years and the groom is a grown man you are more like a guest than another mom. If I’m wrong and you feel you helped raise him and are close to him, then you could wear a long gown, but only if the MOB and MOG are wearing long too. Personally, I’d go short.
Thank you for this article.This is a very special day for my step daughter and her mother and father. We all get along so there is no hard feelings toward one another so I really want to keep it that way! Lol. The mother of the bride has not chosen her dress yet but I am looking for one as I post this. Im pretty sure I’m going with a neutral color and something more business like then dress it up with some blingy jewelry. Just going to play it safe.
I really like the sample dress on the right with the cap sleeves. Any idea where I could find this dress?
Hi Katie, Unfortunately that dress is sold out. However there are lot with a similar look and feel here:http://rstyle.me/n/cs2za5b52f7 Navy is so popular this fall!
I don’t agree the stepmother should dress down or be pushed back. When my other stepdaughter got married i had no problem sitting in the second row in the church but at the reception i was put at a table with my back to the top table, i felt terrible and i could see people looking at me in pity. as i am married to the brides Father and the Mother and Dad are apart 25 years and they don’t speak to each other why then should i be pushed aside. i will also wear whatever colour i want as the brides mother did not tell me what colour she was wearing so i expect the same will happen again.
I agree, as a SMOB or SMOG we shouldn’t be treated as second class citizens. Especially since in this day we are co parenting and some are even more of a parent. I have a very Blended family of Adopted and Step and Foster but when introduced I hate those titles. They are all my children no matter how they became my children. I have been married to her father for 18 years and to be treated like I’m less just because I didn’t carry her in my belly is insane. I do not think it is right to segregate a family like this. A marriage is supposed to be about bringing people together, embracing differences and love not pushing people away. If Bio Mom and Dad are no longer together why indulge in a fantasy for a day and pretend they are by pushing out others and not embrace what is real and love the ever growing family.
I have been struggling with how to accessorize my dress for the wedding as stepmother of the bride. It is a solid navy dress and I’ve got two options, nude shoes and purse with pearls, or silver shoes and purse with silver. The silver combo is more edgy and the pearl combo is timeless. Your article sealed it with your comment about being timeless.
Thank you. I’ll save the edgy stuff for another event and remember that these photos will be around for a long time and I don’t want to date them.
HELP! I am to be the step mother of the bride and the MOB has selected the most overly casual dress for the day. It honestly is a dress I might wear to work and would not consider it for a wedding or party….I did not want to upstage her but NOW what do I do. I would never feel comfortable at any wedding that under dressed….Bride says anything but white.
Hi Future smob,
Have you talked to the bride? Perhaps she can gently encourage the mob to dress up a little more? I understand you not wanting to upstage her but I do agree you have to feel good too. If she insists on the dress you may have to tone down a bit ie: not much embellishment or a more subtle color, but in the end I think you should wear what makes you feel good.
I think black at a wedding is such a lost opportunity, unless the entire wedding party is doing black and white, which can be very sophisticated. Black is such a fall back for every occasion it seems, I’m sorry to see it seeping into weddings. To enhance the overall look of weddings and to give them continuity, I suggest the mothers of the bridal party dress in complimentary hues. This makes for a lovely coordinated look in the photos, giving an appealing over all effect, rather than mismatched colors fighting one another.
As a former MOB who lucked out with her shopping I can see the idea behind wearing 2 dresses & would probably do so again if I were to be MOB again. I felt totally appropriate and comfortable in a MOB dress coordinated with the wedding party for the ceremony and photographs (I walked my daughter down the aisle & bought from the same line the bridesmaids did), but at the reception occasionally felt out of place as I was not dressed in just a fancy version of my usual style (there was no MOG). My MOB bride dress was more formal than what most of the guests were wearing.
What a great idea is the Mother of the Bride e-book. There are lots of things to be said about the role, things to prepare and of source how to look one’s best.
Hi Brian,
I think so too. After all, your child’s wedding day will be captured forever in a gorgeous family photo that often hangs on the wall for years and then is passed down through the generations, so you want to look as fabulous as you can be! It’s a important day in your life as well as theirs. Enjoy.
Wow, I love the dress.