Being the Stepmother of the Bride is a special role, but when it comes to figuring out what to wear, things can get a little… delicate!
Should you dress like the Mother of the Bride? Like a wedding guest? Who chooses her dress first? What happens when you find the perfect dress only to discover the bride’s mom is wearing the same color?
Don’t worry. Stepmother of the Bride dress etiquette isn’t nearly as complicated as it used to be. The goal is to look elegant, feel fabulous, and coordinate with the wedding without stepping on anyone’s toes. Here’s how to get it right.
What Should the Stepmother of the Bride Wear?
The Stepmother of the Bride should wear a dress that matches the formality of the wedding and complements the wedding colors without competing with the bride, Mother of the Bride, or bridal party.
If you’re very close to your stepdaughter and have a parental role in the wedding, it’s perfectly appropriate to dress at a similar level of formality as the Mother of the Bride. If you’re attending more as an honored guest, you can dress more like a wedding guest, just a particularly fabulous one!
When in doubt, ask the bride. A quick conversation about color, length, and formality can save you from a lot of second-guessing later.
Stepmother of the Bride Dress Etiquette: Who Chooses First?
Traditionally, the Mother of the Bride chose her dress first, followed by the Mother of the Groom and then any stepmothers.
Do you have to follow that order like it’s written in stone? No.
These days, good communication is much more important than old-fashioned rules. Before you shop, ask the bride what her mom and the groom’s mom are planning to wear. You don’t need photos, fabric swatches, and a full fashion report! Knowing their colors and the general level of formality is usually enough.
You want everyone’s dresses to look harmonious in family photos without being too matchy-matchy. The last thing you want is to arrive at the wedding and discover that you and the Mother of the Bride are twinsies!
Stepmother of the Bride Dress Etiquette: How Dressy Should You Be?
One question I hear from stepmothers is, “Am I supposed to dress like one of the moms or more like a wedding guest?”
There really isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Families are different, and your role in the wedding may depend on your relationship with the bride and how involved you are in her life.
If you’re being included in the wedding as one of the parents, it’s perfectly appropriate to dress at a similar level of formality as the Mother of the Bride and Mother of the Groom. That doesn’t mean matching them. Your dress should still reflect your own style and look beautiful on you.
If you’re attending more as an honored guest, you can take your cue from the wedding dress code and choose an elegant wedding guest dress.
What Color Should the Stepmother of the Bride Wear?
There’s no special color reserved for the Stepmother of the Bride, and you certainly don’t need to fade into the background in beige simply because you’re the stepmom.
Choose a color that complements the wedding palette and looks fabulous on you.
Navy, teal, plum, burgundy, dusty blue, sage, mauve, and jewel tones are all beautiful choices. Metallic neutrals like bronze, pewter, and deeper champagne shades can also look very elegant, especially for an evening wedding.
The important thing is to coordinate, not match. If the Mother of the Bride is wearing navy, for example, you don’t need to wear navy, too. Choose another color that works with the wedding palette so you look connected in family photos without looking like you ordered your dresses together!
This is also where talking to the bride really helps. She may have a particular color she’d love you to wear, especially if you’re going to be included in lots of family photos.
What Colors Should the Stepmother of the Bride Avoid?
White, ivory, cream, and anything that could photograph as bridal are best left to the bride unless she specifically tells you otherwise. No surprises here!
I’d also avoid wearing the exact same color as the Mother of the Bride unless that’s something the bride has planned.
What about red? There’s no universal rule saying the Stepmother of the Bride can’t wear it. A deep wine or burgundy can be gorgeous, while a fire-engine red may feel like a lot at certain weddings. Consider the wedding colors, time of day, and overall feel of the celebration.
The same goes for bright colors and bold prints. They’re not automatically off-limits. If they suit the wedding and the bride is happy, go for it.
Can the Stepmother of the Bride Wear Black?
Absolutely, especially for an evening, formal, or black-tie wedding.
Black used to have all sorts of gloomy associations at weddings, but today it can be one of the chicest choices. Look for beautiful fabric, an interesting neckline, lace, beading, or elegant draping to make it feel celebratory.
There’s just one little catch. Ask the bride first. Some brides love black at weddings, while others have strong feelings about it. This is one battle that’s definitely not worth picking!
Match Your Dress to the Wedding Dress Code
Being the Stepmother of the Bride doesn’t give you a special pass on the dress code. The invitation and venue should be your guide.
For a black-tie wedding, a floor-length gown is usually your best bet. Look for beautiful crepe, satin, chiffon, lace, or something with a little tasteful sparkle.
For a formal wedding, a long gown or very elegant midi dress can work depending on the venue and what the other moms are wearing.
Cocktail or semi-formal wedding? A sophisticated cocktail dress, midi dress, or tea-length style is perfect.
For a garden, beach, or more casual daytime wedding, you can relax things a little with lighter fabrics, softer colors, and less embellishment.
The main thing is to be on roughly the same level of formality as the other moms. If the Mother of the Bride is wearing a floor-length gown, you probably don’t want to show up in a casual sundress. On the flip side, a heavily beaded ball gown is going to look like a bit much at a casual backyard wedding!
What Stepmothers of the Bride Ask Me Most
When Should the Stepmother of the Bride Buy Her Dress?
I’d start looking about 4 to 6 months before the wedding. This gives the Mother of the Bride time to choose her dress first if she wants to follow tradition, and it leaves you plenty of time for ordering and alterations.
Try to have your dress in hand at least 2 to 3 months before the wedding. Then you can move on to the fun stuff like shoes, jewelry, and your evening bag without any last-minute panic!
Can the Stepmother of the Bride Wear a Jumpsuit or Pantsuit?
Yes! You don’t have to wear a dress just because you’re the Stepmother of the Bride.
A beautifully cut jumpsuit or an elegant pantsuit can look fabulous, especially for a cocktail, city, or less traditional wedding. Look for dressy fabrics and a special detail or two so it feels celebratory rather than businesslike.
What Should the Stepmother of the Bride Wear to the Rehearsal Dinner?
The rehearsal dinner is usually a little less formal than the wedding, so this is a chance to wear something fun that still feels special.
A pretty midi dress, cocktail dress, dressy jumpsuit, or elegant separates can all work depending on the venue. You also have more freedom with color and prints since you don’t need to coordinate quite as closely with the wedding party.
Real-Life Example: Stepmother of the Bride Dilemma
When Wanda’s stepdaughter was married, Wanda’s primary goal was not to upstage the mother of the bride. However, she still wanted to look nice and make a great impression.
Wanda, 61, did just that when she wore this stunning, deep purple dress with wrap detail. She accented the dress with a beautiful necklace, earrings, and a vintage Gucci watch with an elegant band. It’s a chic, figure-flattering look.
Need more Ideas?
Do you have a wedding coming up? What are you planning to wear? If you need help deciding which mother-of-the-bride dresses (or mother-of-the-groom dresses) might be best for you, check out these posts I’ve written:
Hi, I am the SMOB. A couple of months ago I asked the bride what color dress I should get and she said it didn’t matter. The MOB had already picked her dress. I found a gunmetal grey long dress with sequined flowers ( the wedding is black tie and everyone is required to wear long dresses). Very classy. I showed the picture to the bride and her fiancé and they both loved it so I ordered the dress. When the dress came in I tried it on for my husband and he loved it. Now, a month before the wedding the bride just contacted me and said that her mother changed her dress and it is very similar to mine (silver and sparkly) and wants to know if there is another color in the dress ( there isn’t). I love the dress and my husband wants me to wear the dress but I don’t want to upset the bride. We have a good relationship. I don’t have much time to go find something else and also get it altered. Plus I’ve already had this dress altered so I can’t return it. I have a feeling there are going to be many silver and sparkly dresses among the guests also as that seems to be very popular right now and it is black tie. Please help!
Hi Cindy, Gee that is a terrible position the MOB and bride have put you in when the dress was approved, altered and paid for. I honestly don’t know what to say. How is your relationship with the MOB? Can you talk to her about this and explain the situation or would that cause an all out war? I hate to say it but if the bride is going to be really upset if you don’t change your dress, I might just do as she wishes. Saving the relationship is more important than the dress. But that’s me. Fabulous After 40 community- What do you think? Please weigh in and let’s help Cindy!
I am a stepmom to the groom.
The bride’s mother wears a long dress, but I haven’t been told about the color.
The groom’s mother is wearing a pants suit; I have not been told the color.
The bridesmaids are wearing blush, and the groomsmen are in navy.
My husband, the groom’s father, and the bride’s father have been told to wear black suits. When I asked what color I should wear, I was told it didn’t matter.
I am trying to blend in and not stand out. Would a floral long-sleeve dress with the above colors be too much? It’s longer in the back, shorter in the front, and below my knees.
I don’t want to cause any issues, but I feel I am not getting any helpful information.
Hi Lisa, When in doubt, I always recommend navy. Here’s a post that may interest you:https://www.fabulousafter40.com/stepmother-of-the-bride-heres-what-to-wear/
My step-daughter is getting married in September, and I asked her what color the wedding party and the mothers would wear – she told me black. My step-daughter and I get along pretty well, so she said I could wear black because I will be in pictures. I was going to get a different color but didn’t want to stand out since everyone would be in black. I didn’t know what to do and wanted to get a tea-length dress, not a gown, even though it was a black-tie wedding. Her father and I do not get along with her mother. She wants both parents to walk her down the aisle. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Diane, If the bride wants you to wear black, and everyone else in the photos will be in black, you will surely stand out in another color. It’s her day, so I would do as she asks to make her happy and avoid conflict with the mother. As for the length, you can wear a cocktail-length dress, so long as it is very dressy – rich fabric, fine details, not too much skin. I hope this helps.
Hi,
I need to be clear on colors for the stepmom. Although she will have her mom, do I have to wear the same colors for the wedding or can I choose to wear a different color? Please advise.
Tasha, If you are not part of the wedding party, you can wear whatever color you like, but if you are part of the wedding party and will be included in the photographs, then I would try and coordinate my colors. Does it sound like you are more of a guest and not part of the wedding party?
Hi Kimberly,
I’m attending a semi-formal spring destination wedding as the Stepmother of the Groom. The MOB and MOG are wearing long sequined gowns. I will be seated with FOG, but we will not be part of the wedding procession. I will be in pictures but will not be given a corsage, which, to be honest, hurts a little. FOG would like me to dress very beautifully, but I am sensitive not to upstage the MOG or MOB. I have selected a knee-length muted floral dress in colors similar to that of the bridesmaids. I wonder if I should wear a long or short gown (I’m 5’ 10”, so long dresses look rather dramatic on me). Is it OK to wear a floral that coordinates with everyone else’s colors, or should I wear a different color like beige or blush? (The bridesmaids wear the mothers, mint wear navy, silver, and light blue).
So sorry, Gretchen, this is so stressful for you, and they are making it so difficult and unpleasant. It’s a tricky situation. Remember, it’s not about you but their insecurities. MOB/MOG doesn’t want to be upstaged; they should wear a short dress. I think the floral would be fine since it is in muted colors. However, I think your intuition is telling you something, and maybe you should wear a beige or blush dress to avoid them saying you were trying to look like part of the wedding party. I hope that helps!
Hi,
My new stepdaughter is getting married in 3 months, and I am unsure what I should wear. I had asked her dad (my husband) if he knew what colors she was using for the wedding, and she stated dark greens; I currently have an emerald green dress that I had bought before I knew this, but I feel like if this is a color that she might have her bridesmaids in or even her mother or the groom’s mother in these colors… what should I do, should I go out and purchase a new dress?
Thank you
Hi Kim, I don’t know what your relationship with her is like, but if she has her wedding party in green, I will stay away from that. Try to get more information, and if you can’t, I suggest navy or some blue. The Navy is conservative and always works. All the best. Deborah
I love your advice.
I have a dilemma of my own.
I am the MOB, there is a SMOB involved, and I have no issues w/her sitting as the FOB during the ceremony or at the reception. My point is she purchased the same color and style I chose to wear. She even brought up the idea of discussing color and style choices so we wouldn’t be in the same ones. Then she goes and buys a dress the color mine. How should I handle this situation without seeming jealous or petty?
Hi Teri,
So sorry to hear this. I don’t think you are being petty at all! The wedding dress etiquette says that the bride’s mother picks her dress first and all the other women in the wedding party follow suit. I can understand you not wanting her to be in the same color and style. Can the bride step in? Here is an article to help prove my point, or you can google wedding etiquette and find the same:https://www.fabulousafter40.com/stepmother-of-the-bride-heres-what-to-wear/. Since you are supposed to be chosen first, you must be courteous and do so in a timely matter, at least three months ahead, to give others the time to order and fit their dresses. Best of Luck. Deborah
I am in a challenging situation. I am not married to the Father of the Bride, but we have been together for many years. The bride has been less than forthcoming with any information about my role in the wedding (i.e., where I will be seated, photos, etc.). The MOB has remarried, and her new husband has a significant role in the reception (he will be sharing a father/daughter dance), but he will not be included in walking her down the aisle). I may be seated with FOB, but that may be the only ‘non-guest’ gesture extended (there are no hard feelings, just not a close relationship). I inquired about the MOB/MOG dresses, and the reply was, “…they are wearing navy. And that it doesn’t matter what you wear.” I said casually, implying that I shouldn’t be stressed about something. I thought it odd that they would both be wearing the same color, but I was more thinking that the response indicated that I should consider myself a guest and that I should have no expectation to be in any role of step-MOB whatsoever. It does, however, concern me that I will be with the FOB throughout the evening and may be in photos, possibly more than the average ‘guest,’ and I do not wI want to be underdressed. While I would never try to outdo the Mothers, I want to be appropriately attired. Would you suggest I avoid the colors of the mothers and bridesmaids, even as a regular guest?
Hi Kari,
Weddings are always so complicated. Yes, I get the sense they are implying you are a guest, so I would avoid navy or the color the bridesmaids are wearing. There are many other lovely sades out there for fall. I would go for a pretty cocktail dress in plum, burgundy, or some rich shade that photographs well and is classic. A print would even be acceptable. What about all the dark florals we are seeing? You could perhaps wear a dark navy dress, but only it was covered in bright florals, so it read floral, and not navy. That, or a floral dress with a black background. Whatever the case, the message is clear. Don’t try to look like you are wearing something similar to the MOB or MOG. That doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful in whatever you choose. Hold your head high and find yourself a lovely dress. All the best, Deborah
This was very helpful. I certainly did not want to appear petty or rude or by attempting to upstage the mother of the bride.
Hi, I need help. My significant other’s son is getting married. We are not married but have been together for 15 years. The MOB is wearing navy, the MOG is wearing Plum, and the Bridesmaids are wearing Sangria. I am also doing the flowers for the wedding party, and when the mother corsages, I was told by the bride that I should have one. What should I wear?
Hi Rena, What about gray or silver? That goes well with plum, Sangria, and Navy. You could also wear champagne which is a neutral that also works. Just don’t wear the same color as the bridesmaids. Have fun doing the flowers.
Cheers, Deborah
I am the step-mom of the groom. I have been married to his father for 22 years. My hubby and his ex do not speak to one another but will be fine doing what is asked of them. The bride is very nonchalant about what we all should wear. She says wear whatever you want. The wedding colors are blush and gold. Bridesmaids are in rose gold. MOB in light pink, MOG in lilac. Should I be in long or short? I have a column dress in creamy beige color with pink and gold embroidered flowers. I have a pink shrug for church and either gold or pink shoes. Is this dress appropriate
Hi Sandy, It sounds like you have made a lovely choice!
I am the stepmother of the groom. My husband and his ex-wife have been divorced for twenty years, and he and I have been together for four years. We all have a friendly relationship. The bridesmaids’ dresses are wisteria, and the MOB and MOG wear gray/silver. I asked the bride whether I should wear a long or short dress, and she said I could wear whichever I preferred. Any suggestions?
Hi Jolie,
A navy dress would look nice with silver, and as for long or short, I would say short. If it has only been four years and the groom is a grown man, you are more like a guest than another mom. If I’m wrong and you feel you helped raise him and are close to him, then you could wear a long gown, but only if the MOB and MOG are wearing long too. I’d go short.
Thank you for this article. This particular day isay for my stepdaughter and her mother and father. We all get along, so there are no hard feelings toward one another, so I want to keep it that way! Lol. The bride’s mother has not chosen her dress yet, but I am looking for one as I post this. I’m sure I’m going with a neutral color and something more business-like, then dress it up with some blingy jewelry. I was going to play it safe.
I like the sample dress on the right with the cap sleeves. Any idea where I could find this dress?
Hi Katie, Unfortunately, that dress is sold out. However, there is a lot with a similar look and feel here:http://rstyle.me/n/cs2za5b52f7 Navy is so popular this fall!
I disagree the stepmother should dress down or be pushed back. When my other stepdaughter got married, I had no problem sitting in the second row in the church, but at the reception, I was put at a table with my back to the top table; I felt terrible, and I could see people looking at me in pity. as I am married to the bride’s Father, and the Mother and Dad are apart 25 years. They don’t speak to each other about why I should be pushed aside. I will also wear whatever color I want as the bride’s mother did not tell me what color she was wearing, so I expect the same will happen again.
Asat as a SMOB or SI agrees that MOG, we shouldn’t be treated as second-class citizens. Especially since, in this day, we are co-parenting, and some are even more a parent. I have a very Blended family of Adopted and Step and Foster, but I hate those titles when introduced. They are all my children, no matter how they became my children. I have been married to her father for 18 years, and being treated like I’m less just because I didn’t carry her in my belly is insane. I do not think it is right to segregate a family like this. A marriage is supposed to bring people together, embracing differences and love, not pushing people away. If Bio-Mom and Dad are no longer together, why indulge in a fantasy for a day and pretend they are by pushing out others and not embrace what is real and love the ever-growing family?
I have been struggling with how to accessorize my wedding dress as the bride’s stepmother. It is a solid navy dress, and I’ve got two options: nude shoes, a purse with pearls, or silver shoes and a bag with silver. The silver combo is edgier, and the pearl combo is timeless. Your article sealed it with your comment about being timeless.
Thank you. I’ll save the edgy stuff for another event and remember that these photos will be around for a long time, and I don’t want to date them.
HELP! I am to be the bride’s stepmother, and the MOB has selected the most overly casual dress for the day. It is a dress I might wear to work and would not consider it for a wedding or party…I did not want to upstage her, but NOW what do I do? I would never feel comfortable at any wedding that dressed…The bride says anything but white.
Hi, Future mob,
Have you talked to the bride? Perhaps she can gently encourage the mob to dress up a little more? I understand you not wanting to upstage her, but I agree you have to feel good too. If she insists on the dress, you may have to tone it down a bit, i.e., not much embellishment or a more subtle color, but in the end, I think you should wear what makes you feel good.
I think black at a wedding is a lost opportunity unless the entire wedding party does black and white, which can be very sophisticated. Black is such a fallback for every occasion; it seems; I’m sorry to see it seeping into weddings. To enhance the overall look of weddings and to give them continuity, I suggest the mothers of the bridal party dress in complimentary hues. This makes for a lovely coordinated look in the photos, providing an appealing overall effect rather than mismatched colors fighting one another.
As a former MOB who lucked out with her shopping, I can see the idea behind wearing two dresses & I would probably do so again if I were to be a MOB again. I felt appropriate and comfortable in a MOB dress coordinated with the wedding party for the ceremony and photographs (I walked my daughter down the aisle & bought from the same line the bridesmaids did), but at the reception occasionally felt out of place as I was not dressed in just a fancy version of my usual style (there was no MOG). My MOB bride dress was more formal than what most of the guests were wearing.
What a great idea is the Mother of the Bride e-book. There are lots of things to be said about the role, things to prepare and of source how to look one’s best.
Hi Brian,
I think so too. After all, your child’s wedding day will be captured forever in a gorgeous family photo that often hangs on the wall for years and then is passed down through the generations, so you want to look as fabulous as you can be! It’s a critical day in your life as well as theirs. Enjoy.
Wow, I love the dress.